have faith in me

wellllllllllllll. we've been having an exciting month. i pulled my picc line out on my right arm. and had to get a new one on my left arm. IT WAS NOT A HAPPY DAY. after the 6 tries last time mom made sure i got some pain medicine. i've been starting bio feedback treatment. in a summary it puts frequencies in your body to help manage tasks so your body isn't on overload. he worked a lot on my emotions and my appetite. i remember getting up the next day and actually wanting to eat! but thennnnnnnnnn.. i felt like i hit a brick wall. i all of sudden wanted nothing to do with ANYONE. i was just mad and angry. i hated everything and everyone. i just didn't care. that was about 3 weeks ago. its better since then.. but not that good. a week ago last friday i started feeling really crappy. i hardly could get out of bed. i felt like i could have a few good hours and then BOOM i'd be down and sleep for hours at a time. and then my good hours wouldn't come anymore. i remember telling my mom multiple times "mom this is it, i think i'm dying" i felt so terrible. throughout all these months of treatment i don't think i've ever been THAT bad. sunday came and i thought my body was going to explode it hurt so bad. i couldn't walk or move really at all. i went out to my aunt dawn's house to sit in the sauna and i couldn't walk in the house. my mom could hardly carry me. by the time i was out of the sauna my cousins tanner and taylor were home. tanner was down in the sauna talking to me and he ended up carrying me upstairs out to our vehicle. i knew i had to throw up at this point. and i was so weak i couldn't stand up. my mom got my undressed and in the shower and had to hold me up and wash  my hair. i was kind of bent over and then i started puking in the shower............ DON'T EVER DO THIS. hahahaha it was so terrible. i didn't want to move. i just wanted to lay down but i felt like passsing out so my mom still was helping me. she got me out of the shower and dried off and down to my bed. and then all of a sudden......................i was puking, and puking, and puking, and finally at 12:30 i stopped. i slept pretty well but i was dying of thirst. the first thing i wanted to do was drink water. so i drank a few swallows.. BAD IDEA. within 15 minutes i was ready to throw up. i went back to sleep and tried to sleep it off. by 5:30 that night i was throwing up alllllll over again. i was light headed and i had a terrible migraine and i still thought i was going to die. i told myself that if it got any worse i was going to have to tell mom to call some family members in because i didn't know whether i was going to live or not. i'm not over exaggerating or anything. or being dramatic. this is really how terrible i felt!

today i am doing the bio feedback again. and hopefully going to see some results. i feel okay right now. just not the best. --thats alllllllll. peace out!