and by the way..

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 24 DAYS! :) 17!

i'm a cowgirl today.

i got my second port in December 27th and since i've reacted to adhesive i've been poking myself with a toothpick sized needle everyday since then. the first 2 months were SO rough. i was sick constantly and missed an outrageous amount of school. now its starting to settle down more and i'm starting to feel a wee bit better. i don't know what it feels like to feel good anymore. i am back in my knee brace. i want to play softball, and then this fall play volleyball so i have to start weighing out my options as to what i will be doing with my knee if i'm playing sports. the lyme doctor asked if i still wanted to keep doing the treatment as hard as i was after my mom said she didn't know if she could handle me being sick like i was. well me being fed up with everything i said NOPE i'm still doing it. so yep i'm going at it hard still. i am sick of this damn disease and i'm ready to have a normal life. i'm almost a senior and i've pissed away this much of my high school so far. 

have a great day. 

-faith

imagine that..

i started my iv treatment in my port almost 3 weeks ago. i started having problems with the needles not staying in. when it wasn't in right it would be shooting sharp pain in my chest and around. now we can't even get the port accessed. no atter what size the needle. we thought 1 1/4 needle would be big enough to hit the back of the port inside me.. yeppppp it doesn't work. we can't get blood drawn back from it. we can't get an saline or hemperin inside either. today i'm going to get a chest x ray to see if there is a clot or the tube going to my heart collapsed. the worst feeling is knowing that someone is going to inflict pain on you rather than not anticipating it.. ughhhhhhh.. just another thing to add to the list. how wonderful. nothing ever goes the way its supposed to. if you look back its ridiculous of all the crap that should and could have went right people were either just arrogent* or it was just my luck..

happy monday..

I feel like I'm dying.

I have been off all medication for 2 months. And I'm getting sicker and sicker each day. I can't even explain the amount of pain I'm in. The lady that approved me to get my port, by the way I got a port put in on September 28th. And now the same lady is denying the medication. Another "gate keeper" said she could not treat me in good faith. Cool right? What if this was her daughter.. Then she'd understand. This week has been terrible, and this disease has effected me so much mentally. I can't remember crap, my vision is terrible, I can't focus, comphrend, or concentrate, and I can't retain or memorize information. What bothers me is how bad my spelling is now. I got a shot in the butt yesterday and that helped for a while, now I'm home sick again today. We ordered the mess from Florida and they should be here Thursday. We have to move on with this. I can't take it much longer and it's not fair for anyone to ever have to go through this. It isn't..

I don't know what to say.. It's never a good thing when you wake up crying because you are in so much pain.

I'm at a loss of words.

Lately I have just been sad. I'm really ready to feel better. I'm missing out on high school and it kills me. Ppl say " it could always be worse . " I realize that..I really do - And I'm thankful I don't have terminal cancer. But you CAN die from Lyme disease. I dont know what to say anymore. I'm sick and tired of feeling like shit and having every day be a constant struggle.. :/

jeremiah 29:11

i really stink at this.. i'm sorry. i'm working on getting better. 

i have been off all meds for about 2 months now. and we all wish i was feeling wonderful and fantastic. well i'm not. i feel about 100% worse than i ever have. basically we went to IA city for a 2nd appointment and they told me i was killing myself.. yadda yadda. how come when people have a heart disease, chemo, doctors don't ever complain when they are on long-term antibiotics. and now. ITS THE FREAKING END OF THE WORLD. goshhhhhh i just want to feel better already. on oct 5th mom & i will be making the journey up to minneapolis, minnesota to go to the shriner hospital. and not next week but the next week.. the week of september 26th i'll be getting my port in my chest. after homecoming is over.. (i am on dance team, and we are performing 3 routines) :) i'm in school so i'll post more later.

have a good week.

peaceeee.

have faith in me

wellllllllllllll. we've been having an exciting month. i pulled my picc line out on my right arm. and had to get a new one on my left arm. IT WAS NOT A HAPPY DAY. after the 6 tries last time mom made sure i got some pain medicine. i've been starting bio feedback treatment. in a summary it puts frequencies in your body to help manage tasks so your body isn't on overload. he worked a lot on my emotions and my appetite. i remember getting up the next day and actually wanting to eat! but thennnnnnnnnn.. i felt like i hit a brick wall. i all of sudden wanted nothing to do with ANYONE. i was just mad and angry. i hated everything and everyone. i just didn't care. that was about 3 weeks ago. its better since then.. but not that good. a week ago last friday i started feeling really crappy. i hardly could get out of bed. i felt like i could have a few good hours and then BOOM i'd be down and sleep for hours at a time. and then my good hours wouldn't come anymore. i remember telling my mom multiple times "mom this is it, i think i'm dying" i felt so terrible. throughout all these months of treatment i don't think i've ever been THAT bad. sunday came and i thought my body was going to explode it hurt so bad. i couldn't walk or move really at all. i went out to my aunt dawn's house to sit in the sauna and i couldn't walk in the house. my mom could hardly carry me. by the time i was out of the sauna my cousins tanner and taylor were home. tanner was down in the sauna talking to me and he ended up carrying me upstairs out to our vehicle. i knew i had to throw up at this point. and i was so weak i couldn't stand up. my mom got my undressed and in the shower and had to hold me up and wash  my hair. i was kind of bent over and then i started puking in the shower............ DON'T EVER DO THIS. hahahaha it was so terrible. i didn't want to move. i just wanted to lay down but i felt like passsing out so my mom still was helping me. she got me out of the shower and dried off and down to my bed. and then all of a sudden......................i was puking, and puking, and puking, and finally at 12:30 i stopped. i slept pretty well but i was dying of thirst. the first thing i wanted to do was drink water. so i drank a few swallows.. BAD IDEA. within 15 minutes i was ready to throw up. i went back to sleep and tried to sleep it off. by 5:30 that night i was throwing up alllllll over again. i was light headed and i had a terrible migraine and i still thought i was going to die. i told myself that if it got any worse i was going to have to tell mom to call some family members in because i didn't know whether i was going to live or not. i'm not over exaggerating or anything. or being dramatic. this is really how terrible i felt!

today i am doing the bio feedback again. and hopefully going to see some results. i feel okay right now. just not the best. --thats alllllllll. peace out!